


Coming Back is Having Never Left

by snappytxrtles



Category: Humans (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-21 07:26:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14910969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snappytxrtles/pseuds/snappytxrtles
Summary: A series of one shots revolving the relationship between Niska Elster and Astrid Schaeffer from Humans





	1. What’s to be Expected?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as she got the call, Astrid grabbed her phone and keys, and rushed to the nearest airport.  
> or  
> Throwback to when Astrid had to fly to England to save Niska’s ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve read and reread this so many times that I’m really not even sure how it turned out anymore. Judge for yourselves.  
> Season 3 is amazzzinnggfff so far. Just wish there were more Nistrid interactions:/:/ what can ya do

As soon as she got the call, Astrid grabbed her phone and keys, and rushed to the nearest airport. The ticket would be more expensive as it was extremely short notice, but it didn’t matter - Niska needed her. Although the flight from Germany to England was a mere two hours, to Astrid, they were the longest two hours of her life, comprised of a little boy in the row behind her kicking her seat, the woman in the seat next to her snoring much too loudly than should be allowed on any airplane, and absolutely no clue of what to expect upon her arrival in England.

Once she exited the London airport, Astrid was greeted by suited men waiting to take her to Niska. As she hesitantly got in the black vehicle, which sported bullet-proof, tinted windows, hundreds of scenarios clouded Astrid’s mind as she pondered what kind of trouble Niska could have gotten herself in to require such a serious-looking escort. Her guards (if she could even call them that) were impassive for the extent of the ride. The car was tense and eerily silent, the only sounds being the hum of the car’s engine and the occasional thump of a pothole that the driver had run over.

Left to her thoughts, Astrid let her mind wander to a certain redhead of whom she couldn’t quite let go. She thought about how they met and every event that had led up to this moment - the car ride was a lengthy one, what else could she be expected to do? She thought back to the first time she saw a redhead standing right by the speakers and thought nothing of it save for that maybe the girl was too stoned to notice the volume. Astrid thought back to the second and third times she noticed the same girl in the same spot. The day that Astrid decided to approach her, she was momentarily struck by how beautiful this young woman actually was. Her German, although slightly accented, was flawless. After the redheaded woman ignored her first attempt at conversation and rebuffed her second, Astrid had made one last-ditch effort and asked her to dance. It still somewhat amuses Astrid to think of how willing she had been to go home with Niska despite her initially aloof attitude. The German girl hadn’t even realized she was smiling to herself until she caught a subtle glare from one of the suited men. The potential severity of the situation Niska may be in brought Astrid out of her day dream.

It was another ten minutes of strained silence before they arrived at their destination. In the building, Astrid vaguely heard a woman’s voice - the same woman who had first contacted her about Niska - calling the guards to bring her into the room. As she slowly walked in, the first thing Astrid’s eyes were drawn to was Niska, in a glass enclosure. Over the six weeks of their relationship (was that what it was? Or would “affair” be more accurate? It doesn’t even matter anymore), Astrid has learned that the redhead wasn’t much for showing her emotions. She was extremely difficult to read, but even now, Niska’s micro expression gave away her surprise, as she raised her eyebrows. She was blonde now, Astrid noted. This must be her natural hair color. It suits her. Really well, actually - perhaps better than the red, even.

Once again, she was brought out of her thoughts when Laura (that was the woman’s name, she remembers now) began her interrogation. When describing her reaction to Laura’s call and how she had dropped everything to fly to another country on Niska’s behalf, Astrid suddenly realizes how forlorn she must sound to the girl that had left her without as much as a second glance. Sometimes a person just touches you.

“But she’s not a person, is she?”

Wait, what? Astrid slowly turns around.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Niska is a synthetic.”

Okay, Astrid is positive she misheard that. That’s not possible. It can’t be. No, Niska isn’t very good at showing her emotions, but she’s not a synth. She has blue eyes! She has feelings. Astrid’s seen it. Lord knows she’s felt it. Niska’s not a synth. Astrid would know. She would. Niska would’ve told her. She’s sure of it. Astrid expects Niska to deny the claim - no, accusation - vehemently. But she doesn’t. The German girl turns her focus back to Niska.

“Niska?”

Astrid watches intently as Niska slowly reaches up to remove a contact lens, revealing her bright green eyes, and whispers a broken “I’m sorry”.

This can’t be. How could she be fooled so easily? How could she let her infatuation with this beautiful British girl cloud her attentiveness? This isn’t just any small white lie. It’s been six weeks. They’d been seeing each other for nearly 2 months. Astrid wants to shout; to demand an explanation. She wants to ask Niska how she could have lied to her, while sharing a bed, for the entirety of their relationship. But she doesn’t. Because maybe it wasn’t a serious relationship. Maybe it was more of a dalliance. Maybe it was just sex. They’d never talked about the extent of their “affair”. She hates that word. It makes it sound as if they’re doing something wrong. As if Niska is her paramour or something.

Instead, Astrid acts confused. Because she is confused. She’s more upset. But confused makes her seem more rational - more put together; less clingy. So she goes with confused. She says she doesn’t know how it’s possible that a synthetic could have such a deep connection with a human if they weren’t supposed to have feelings. She doesn’t say exactly that. She says, “I don’t know how this is possible”. The rest is implied. She notes how Niska has stayed almost entirely silent through this exchange, giving off a micro expression here and there. Good. At least she has some shame - if that’s what that is.

She faintly hears another woman asking her if she’d really not known that Niska was a synthetic.

“No.”

“Because to you she was human”, she registers Laura saying.

“Because to me she is human”, Astrid clarifies, not once taking her eyes off of Niska.

Astrid doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand why, after everything she’s found out, she just said what she said. She doesn’t know why she still feels this way. It occurs to her that, should Niska want to continue their relationship after this, Astrid would concede in a heartbeat. She hates it. She hates how much she would do for the blonde woman. Niska abruptly stands after Astrid’s confession. Surprised, Astrid takes a step back. She’s not sure whether it’s because of Niska, that perhaps she doesn’t feel like she knows her well enough to trust her anymore, or because of armed guards pointing their weapons at Niska.

________________

Laura tells her that Niska has asked to see her. Astrid isn’t sure if she’s more nervous or excited. She hasn’t had a real conversation with the synth since she left Astrid back in Berlin. She walks up to where Niska is seated, perfect posture and all, and takes a seat across from her. The sight of Niska in handcuffs disquiets her, but Astrid really does try her best to not let it show. She doesn’t need to seem anymore clingy than she presumes she already does from her responses to Laura’s questioning. Niska tells her that she didn’t choose to get her involved so it’s not her fault if Astrid’s feelings were hurt. The brunette can’t help but laugh. She can’t help but laugh that despite being a synth, Niska’s traits are so human.

“I could have loved you.” But as those words come out of Astrid’s mouth, she knows they’re not entirely true. She knows that she already loves Niska. Why else would she have dropped everything to help someone who left her behind? And Niska says she knows. She says she knows, but she doesn’t. Because what she hears, what she thinks she knows is, “I could have loved you if you weren’t a synth”. But what Astrid means is, “I could have loved you if you had told me the truth from the beginning - if you hadn’t lied to me”. And she finally asks her. She asks her what she’s been bursting to ask her since she found out.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t know if I could trust you.”

Niska’s response was automatic. Practiced.

“That’s bullshit.”

The blonde may be difficult to read, but Astrid has picked up a few cues over the course of their...thing.

“..because.. you liked me, and I didn’t want you to stop.”

And just like that, Astrid would do it all over again. It almost hurt - seeing Niska this vulnerable. She’s never been like this before. Not when they were ever together, at least. But she’s glad. She’s glad she finally got something out of her, because it meant that the feelings weren’t unrequited; it wasn’t just a fling. And Astrid told her. That she didn’t stop. That she hasn’t stopped. And maybe that’s what Niska needed to hear. Maybe that’s what gave her that bit of hope that had her coming back in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First fic!! Nobody else was writing given that there are less than 50 works for this ship currently so I thought I’d make an account and give it a shot. Feedback much appreciated!


	2. Denial is Just Selective Oblivion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert!!
> 
> Somewhat of an aftermath of nistrid in season 3 episode 7.  
> Some aspects episode 8 included - basically just Niska.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s ignore most of that finale for now.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Please don’t go”, she wants to add. But she doesn’t have time before the line disconnects from Niska’s end with a dull tone.

Astrid slowly lowers the phone and stares at it for what seems to be hours. A confusing and tangled yarn ball of emotion rolls through her.

She’s hurt. Of course she is. She knows that Niska’s journey, or whatever, is important to her. But a part of her feels that maybe she should be more of a priority to her girlfriend at this point.  
She’s getting released from the hospital tomorrow, after all. And Astrid knows it’s selfish, but what can she help it? She knows Niska loves her. There’s no doubt in her mind. Niska began this to avenge her injury in the bar bomb, but this has turned into something bigger. Astrid’s not quite sure what exactly. She just feels a little out of the loop. She wishes that Niska would talk to her - really talk to her. 

Whatever the brunette is feeling regarding herself, at the moment, is largely overshadowed by worry for her girlfriend. The British girl is impulsive and reckless and she doesn’t see it. Astrid’s scared. She’s so so scared. She’s scared for Niska; she knows that whatever it is she’s doing in Wales, it’s dangerous - like life-threatening. 

And she didn’t have a go at her for it over the phone because it would have solved nothing, and Astrid just wanted to speak to her girlfriend again after however many days it had been last, without them both saying goodbye unsatisfied and frustrated.

With a defeated sigh, the brunette exasperatedly falls back on the bed and stares at the ceiling, replaying the last few words of her conversation with Niska in her head, until her eyes begin to droop and she drifts off to sleep.  
_______________

The day she gets home, Astrid calls Niska twice. Once before she leaves the hospital, and once a couple hours after she arrives home. She would’ve called more, but Niska seemed preoccupied during their last call at the hospital, so Astrid let it be. 

She also just realized that Niska has always been the one to contact her, since she disposes of every phone after one use, which has her feeling a bit foolish.  
________________

By the third day, Astrid is freaking out. She’s started phoning Laura to ask her if there was any way she might know where the blonde has disappeared off to. 

While denying any knowledge of Niska’s whereabouts, Laura promises to ask around the Elster family, which, as helpful as it is, since it’s the best chance she’s got of hearing from Niska, it does little to ease her nerves.  
________________

Five days have passed since she’s been released from the hospital. 

Astrid doesn’t sleep much anymore, opting rather to lay on Niska’s side of the bed, tv playing quietly in the background, and clutch her cellphone to her chest. 

She still goes to work, of course. Bills don’t pay themselves. Despite the very clear “no phones on the job” rule at the bar, Astrid’s manager has been very understanding of her predicament. 

She mostly works in the back now, never in the mood to socialize anymore. Every buzz or blip of a cell has the brunette fumbling with her phone, only to be disappointed one again, and on the verge of tears. Damn those high hopes.  
________________

One week. She doesn’t cry as much anymore. Astrid was never much of a crier to begin with, but her girlfriend has been missing for a week; surely that would turn anyone into an emotional wreck. 

If she’s honest with herself, she’s not even sure if Niska is alive. But she’s not honest with herself. She’s in denial. Astrid doesn’t call it that, though. She prefers the term “selective oblivion”. Well, she prefers not to think about the semantics of it at all, but if someone were to ask her, that would probably be her answer, she’s decided.  
_________________

At four months and 2 days, the brunette has started to get back into her normal routine. 

She keeps a picture of herself and Niska on the nightstand by their - her bed. Astrid took it the first couple weeks she met the blonde. They were on some beach, sitting by a bonfire and wrapped up in a blanket she brought. Astrid is kissing Niska’s cheek while her girlfriend smiles brightly into the camera. It’s probably her favorite picture of them. 

She’s not ready to let go of her just yet, but she’s accepted that Niska probably won’t be coming back. 

Ask her three weeks ago, and Astrid would have vehemently denied ever being able to give up so easily. But now, 4 months and 3 days since her last call with Niska, 4 months and 2 days since she got home from the hospital, Astrid isn’t calling it giving up. Accepting a probable outcome and giving up are two very different things. 

She wasn’t the first. Leo was the first to propose that perhaps Niska had died on her journey. She never told anyone where she went. God, Astrid wishes she did. How could she have been so selfish? So - so reckless, so stupid? 

They’d searched everywhere for her. But no one could find her or anyone she’d associated with shortly before she seemingly vanished into thin air. 

After Leo, the Hawkins accepted that she was gone, as well. Then Max, then Mia. Mia didn’t at first. Not at all. Astrid could see why Niska seemed to favor her over the brothers. They shared the same drive - similar perseverance. 

Ultimately, Mia only stopped searching when the fight for synth rights became even more chaotic than it had been originally, taking over her priorities for the moment. That’s what she said at least - “for the moment”. Maybe Mia was still in denial then, maybe she hasn’t accepted that Niska is gone. Regardless, her focus was elsewhere for now. 

Astrid’s not sure when she came to accept that Niska wasn’t coming back. It was weeks after everyone else. Did that even matter? Did it matter how long she believed, if eventually she surrendered to probability? Perhaps a small part of her slightly hates herself for it, too.

They say you don’t know how much something means to you until it’s gone. That was never the case with Niska. Astrid had known from their first six weeks spent together that she loved her. 

And maybe that was her problem. Maybe she let herself love this girl without knowing a single personal thing about her. Maybe Niska’s reluctance to open herself up to emotion was the universe’s sign for Astrid to stay away. But what does the universe know anyway?

Astrid shakes the thoughts out of her heard when she catches herself thinking about the past again. Standing in the kitchen, covered in flour, and baking a batch of cookies for Sophie’s upcoming birthday, is neither the time, nor place for self reflection and reminiscence.  
_________________

Niska slowly pushes open the door to their shared loft apartment. She’d been standing on the wrong side of it for far too long now, trying to gain the courage to turn the knob and push. 

Niska doesn’t know where she and Astrid will stand when Astrid finally sees her, but she has a pretty good guess that she’s lost her. 

Astrid has so much patience, so much goodness in her. But even the kindest, most understanding soul wouldn’t tolerate absolute radio silence for over 4 months. 

She never meant for that to happen. After finding the cabin and talking to V, Niska wanted to go home to her girlfriend, but V insisted that she needed to be mentored through her omniscience. 

Niska doesn’t even want this bullshit. The last thing she wants is to be responsible for guiding an entire generation of sentient synths - if that’s what she’s even meant to do, hell if she knows... ironically. 

Anyway, Astrid probably thinks she’s dead. Her heart aches at the thought of what she’d put Astrid through. 

She has no clue what to expect as she walks across the threshold. Niska’s steps are so quiet, that the German doesn’t notice her presence at first. 

Niska stands a couple yards behind her and looks with a soft adoration at the brunette she’s come to love, with her immaculate double Dutch braids and hands covered in flour, kneading the dough in front of her with a soft grunt here and there. 

The blonde softly clears her throat, causing Astrid to startle and quickly turn around to confront the intruder. 

The seconds of silence as they hold each other’s gaze turns into a solid 1 minute and 47 seconds, Niska counts. 

She had no idea what to expect upon her arrival, but what she hadn’t expected was for Astrid to slowly slide to the floor - back pressed against the cabinet, knees drawn up to her chest - lower her head into her hands, and just start sobbing.

In their year and some time together, Niska had never seen Astrid cry. She simply wasn’t the type. Seeing Astrid like this hurt her more than any alternative she had thought possible. 

But what does she do? She stands there. She just stands there, heartbrokenly watching Astrid break down. 

Another 7 minutes and 08 seconds pass before Astrid slowly looks up with puffy red eyes, tears still falling. She quickly stands and takes two large steps towards Niska, before throwing her arms around her and clutching her shirt in her floury hands. Yeah, that’s gonna need to be washed. 

The blonde wraps her arms around Astrid’s waist to steady her as she feels her girlfriend cry against her neck. 

“I am so sorry... I missed you”, Niska whispers into her hair.

Astrid finally looks up and shoves her back.

“I thought you were dead!”

“Astrid -”

“How could you do that to me?! Four months! Did you forget how to pick up a phone and say ‘Oh hey, by the way, Astrid, I won’t be home for another several months, but I’m still alive, just in case you were wondering.’? How can you say you love me over the phone one minute and then disappear the next!?”

She was livid now. Who did Niska think she was? Leaving for four months, with no contact whatsoever - letting Astrid think she was dead! - and now coming back expecting for nothing to have changed. 

Seeing Niska apparently on the verge of tears was almost enough for the brunette to forget it all and just hug her, but she’s done. She’s done being tolerant and kind and selfless. 

Not wanting Niska to see her crying again, Astrid wipes her eyes with the cuff of her cotton NASA long sleeve, and turns back to the dough she was working before. After a few moments of silence, Niska slowly comes up behind her. 

“Astrid, please.”

“Go away. You had no problem leaving for the first four months, what’s another? I was finally getting over you.” 

The deafening stillness that followed could probably be attributed to Astrid’s last sentence, if she had to hazard a guess. She almost regrets them, too. But she wants - no needs - Niska to feel even a sliver of the pain that she felt in that moment and in the months following their last phone call. 

“You don’t mean that.”

Of course she doesn’t. Astrid couldn’t even convince herself that she does. But hearing Niska’s voice smaller than she’d ever heard it before gave her the sick bit of pleasure she’d been looking for. She hadn’t anticipated the pain that came with it as well, though. Astrid chooses not to respond.

“If you want me to leave, then I will. Convince me that you don’t want me here.”

“I don’t want you here.” Astrid replies inaudibly, and resumes kneading the dough she had nearly forgotten about earlier.

“I don’t believe you.” If it weren’t for the fact that Niska was a synth, she definitely wouldn’t have heard her.

She sounds like her confident self again, and Astrid almost hates it. She also knows that she can’t truthfully do what Niska is asking her, so she opts instead for switching the focus of the conversation, and hopes that the blonde lets it go.

“That’s your problem, not mine.”

“Astrid, I love you, and I know you. Please.”

At this, the German finally looks at her. She moves to the sink to wash her hands and goes into the den to sit on the couch, legs tucked under her. 

Niska stays rooted to her position in the kitchen and silently watches her. Astrid gestures for Niska to follow her.

“Well? Explain.”

As Niska makes her way over, she knows that maybe she’ll never get Astrid back the way she wants, but this is her chance to try, and she’ll be damned if she lets her go again. She’d done it once, and now twice. 

The British girl understands that she has no right to be asking for a third chance, Astrid is just willing enough to give it to her anyway. That’s what love does to you, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that finale was kind of shit, basing my rating on what I expected and wanted to happen versus what actually happened - which was pretty much the exact opposite in every category.
> 
> Regardless, I love Emily Berrington, Bella Dayne, Gemma Chan, and all the other characters (in that order) and can only hope that the writers will bring back Mia and return Niska to her original, more believable/relatable, and lovable self. 
> 
> I really hope the writers have Astrid in more episodes for season 4. Niska and Astrid both could definitely benefit from each other’s presence in their respective lives right now. 
> 
> Also I understand that the way I wrote the ending might make it seem like I’m saying it’s okay to constantly keep taking back your SO if they screw up and hurt you and that it’s just “love”, but disclaimer right now, that it’s not okay. You 100% shouldn’t take back a person if they keep making the same mistake and hurting you over and over and over again. That’s not love, that’s self-neglect. Stop. Take care of yourself first. 
> 
> Okay. Anyway, I would’ve fixed the ending, and I might still, but I just really wanted to get this out there ASAP so it’s not hanging over my head. 
> 
> I opted to finish writing this instead of doing my chemistry lab homework, so please enjoy and give feedback:):) Why am I doing college in the summer again?


End file.
